I'm not homophobic, but ...

" Last night I was out, it wasn't even late, like 7PM or something, people weren't drunk yet I mean, and anyway, there where gay people kissing, out in the open, in the street, just like that ... I mean I'm not homophobic or anything, right, I have nothing against gay people, it's just surprising the things you see nowadays! "

- Steven, obviously very open-minded young man - 

How difficult is it to make coffee ?!

Lately at the office, we've decided not to buy powdered coffee anymore, but beans coffee, that you need to grind yourself. We have a little grinder, I think a monkey could use it, that's how simple it is ... I mean, how many different ways are there to use a grinder, right?

Yet John, (who's actually not called John but let's call him John for the purpose of this story), looks at me with very intrigued eyes when I explain him where to put the beans and how to turn the little crank.

He finally raises his eyebrows in the air and says;

John: You know what, it's a bit too complicated for me, I think I'll just let you make that coffee in the morning and then have whatever is left in the pot.

... OK, so now my job is to make coffee too?

John has, ever since this conversation, stuck around me every time I'm in the kitchen, and jump on the coffee pot as soon as I made some. He does have the politeness to wait for me to take some first though, amen to that.

Needless to say, he has never cleaned the coffeepot when he finished it. But that would be too much to ask wouldn't it?

"the biggest cock in town"

Here are the 2 most macho quotes I've heard from my colleagues this week,

- Oh my god, I was so good, she was so into it, I'm telling you she was wetting herself all over the place!"

(a salesman, after pitching a girl on the phone)

- Just get in there, spread their legs, pop them eyeballs out, and show them who's got the biggest cock in town! Cuz you do, right? That's why you gotta wear flare jeans ! HAHAHAHA!!!"

(a salesman boosting another salesman's confidence)

Well well, that's a well-deserved week-end for me and my little ears...

The "office shagger", tragedy in 1 act

I was wondering, when creating this blog, if I would hear enough weird/funny quotes to publish here from my male colleagues. They really are marvellous and have been producing content for at least a week during the past 2 days.

The names in the following dialogue have been change for artistic purposes, yet rest assured that the quote is intact, exactly like I heard it. (How could I ever make something like that up!)

Act I scene 1:

Common area, conversation between John, Jack, Stan and Mark

John, to Stan: So it there a Mrs Stan?

Jack (with a cocky, heavy laugh, speaking for Stan even though no-one asked him to): Naah! Stan is the office shagger!

Stan (with a shy, embarrassed smile): I thought Mark was the office shagger?

Mark (with a wink and false-modest face): Currently not so much. I had a Tinder date on Wednesday and that's it.

Jack (who really loves hearing his own voice): Wait, you had a date on Wednesday, did nothing, and did nothing again on Saturday? What the fuck, man? Are you turning gay?

Mark (half pouting with disgust): She was fat, dude ... she was fat ...

(curtains closing)

Ladies and gentlemen, please give a round of applause to John, Jack, Stan and Mark, wonderful beings who miraculously survive every day without a brain ...

I'm only sorry I could not record their stupid voices and laughs, that would have been worth it.But if you enjoy this ridiculous yet true little piece of art, stay tuned! More is coming.

It's a man's world!

I am a woman infiltrated in a men's office. I say "infiltrated" because they often forget I'm among them. And they talk like I'm not here. Like they are between men. And I hear things...

They talk about their girlfriends, their wives, their mums. They talk about the tie they just bought, that matches their handkerchiefs. They borrow hairspray from each other, after making fun of me touching up my lipstick after lunch. They compare engagement rings and romantic venues. They ponder over wearing boxers or briefs to avoid ball's sweat. They brag about how many strippers' numbers they have in their phone.

 

I feel incredibly lucky to get to hear all these golden quotes. I've been telling my friends about it, my God do you know what I just heard my colleagues say? My God listen to what my colleague just told me! I thought I'd share it with you too. For obvious reason, all the names and places will be hidden or changed. Feel free to comment, and share the things you too hear.

Without further ado, here comes the first quote:

Me: What do you have for lunch?

John: I don't know, whatever my mom put in my lunchbox.